How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

I absolutely love this time of year, I love buying presents for my children, I love decorating the house, I love how the kids get excited, but I hate one little thing, it consumes me and clouds all my happiness, I dread that one of the kids dads will turn up.  I get like this on the run up to their birthdays as well, I know for sure D won't have forgotten Einstein's birthday as he has it tattooed on his wrist, well he used to, its's been more than 8 years since he saw them, so I guess he's probably had it covered over.  D hasn't seen the boys since Einstein was just 3 and StuntMan  was 8 months old.  He didn't turn up to StuntMan 's 1st birthday or christening even though I invited him. Princess's sperm donor, MW,  has never even met her, he has seen her as we have walked past in the village, he has seen us drive past too, but not once after he left me at 4 months pregnant has he asked anything about her. I spoke to him when she was a few months old and I let slip she was a girl, that was the first he knew about her. I guess because we know a lot of the same people that he knows a little about her and maybe her name but he's never asked.

 I haven't moved house or changed phone number, yet neither man (I use that term loosely) has made any attempt to see their children. D doesn't even pay CSA, he quit his job so he didn't have to, he even stopped claiming JSA so he didn't have to, he now works part time as a bouncer and doesn't earn enough to have any CSA deducted.  MW has a fiver a week deducted out of his benefits.  Even though these men have never made an effort to know their children, it doesn't stop me panicking and worrying that one day they might turn up. One day that knock at the door could be the alcoholic, that used to fall asleep holding his baby son, that fell asleep whilst looking after his toddler that proceeded to paint him and the bedroom with my makeup (10 hours after I'd given birth to StuntMan ). One day the man that left me pregnant for my best friend, that told me he didn't care if I aborted the baby, that he was too busy changing the bedding to discuss it, could knock at the door.  The boys know why we don't see their dad and in recent weeks Princess has been asking about her dad, so she now knows a little more. It fills me with dread the thought that one day they could be standing in front of me. I have no idea what I would do, slam the door in their face probably,  I don't know what the kids would want to do if either showed up. 

5 years knowing you have a daughter that you know nothing about. 8 years not knowing what your boys now look like. All that time having no idea if your children are healthy, happy, looked after, no idea what their interests are, I just don't get how anyone can walk away and not care. Do they care? How can they not, is MW filled with guilt from cheating on me? Does he regret it? Is that why he doesn't contact us?  Is D still drinking (well actually I know he is), is that why he doesn't contact them? Has his family poisoned him against me (they never did agree with my parenting style)?  I am the type of person that likes (needs) to know why, and I have no idea at all, and it eats away at me.  

I've just hidden some xmas presents and had a cry, knowing that this is the first xmas morning that I will be on my own with the kids. P hasn't been in touch since the incident a few weeks ago and as he isn't their dad I don't anticipate him ever being in touch again.  I can't wait for xmas morning seeing their faces with their huge piles of presents, hopefully seeing their grandparents too, but I know I will be dreading the doorbell going. I really wish I didn't feel like this, but I do, every xmas, every birthday. Always taking the edge off the fun, I try not to let the kids see the worry and they've never mentioned seeing their dad's and are happy without P around (things went very sour with him and the kids), I know the kids are happy with me, they have everything they could ever need or want, they know they are loved. But still I can't shake the not knowing. I sometimes contemplate contacting D or MW and asking why? why don't you love your child? why didn't you put them first? How could you just walk away? but then I know I could be opening a can of worms, they might want to see the kids, they might cause me problems, so I don't.  When I was with P I thought it would be easier and I wouldn't worry so much, but I did. I wonder whether one day the kids will ask for their dad's details, to want to know more about them, I wonder what D or MW would say if their child turned up on their doorstep.

 As is now very clear, I do stress and worry, luckily I have some amazing friends and lovely fella, I am trying not to let these negative thoughts bother me too much,  I am trying my best to look forward to the amazing future ahead of us. I am trying my best to keep the smile on my face.