I took my blog offline for a while for many reasons that I won't go into. But I have missed writing it, I have missed being able to share my life, I've missed being able to get stuff written down, it's like my therapy I suppose, I've never needed anyone to hold my hand, or tell me what to do, I suppose I just need someone to talk to. Unfortunately my friends that lived locally did a vanishing act when my daughter's sperm donor did a runner with my best friend and I never rebuilt those kinds of friendships, what I have got it so much better. Friends that I may not see very often, sometimes once a year, sometimes twice a month, but they all have one thing in common, they are amazing! I love them dearly and I know that I have a small group of people that I can truly call a friend. They have shown me this, this last couple of weeks.
Since having my gall bladder removed two years ago, I have suffered with pains in my side, it doesn't happen everyday and usually only when I sit to the dining table so I sort of kept forgetting about it, I finally got round to going to the docs a few months ago, she reckoned it was scar tissue and sent me for an ultrasound scan. The scan showed that yes it was scar tissue but it also showed that there was a lump in there, a 13mm lump! The scan technician didn't know what it was attached to or what it was. So sent me back to the GP. GP said I needed a CT scan, but that the consultant would have to refer me. Finally 4 weeks later I went to see the consultant and have a blood test. He referred me for the CT scan, he told me he didn't think the lump was anything to worry about but that he wasn't sure.
A week and a bit later I went for the CT scan (last night) it wasn't pleasant, I was expected to drink a litre of this awful liquid in half an hour! I sat chatting to a lady (must have been in her 70's, we talked about home education, vaccines and the dangers (she was a nurse years ago) then she asked why I was there, I told her why. She asked if I had any support, I told her my kids were all the support I needed along with a couple of good friends. After 300 ml of the liquid I thought I was going to be sick, I may be a big girl but my stomach capacity is low. I mentioned this to the receptionist who came back and asked if I try to drink another 100ml, I managed to in little sips. Then I was called in, I had to undress and put on a hospital gown but of course they aren't designed for a size 22, so I had to put a second one on, like a cardigan, to cover my arse lol.
I laid on the scan table, the woman was lovely, although she couldn't find a vein (for the injection) so called her colleague, he managed to find a vein, but bloody hell that one hurt. I had to lay with my arm up at the side of my head. Then the scan started, I tried my best to relax and think happy thoughts, then the woman pumped some stuff into my arm. It made all my blood feel warm and weird and although it only lasted a couple of minutes at the most it was an experience I would rather I didn't have to experience again. So once it was over I asked if they saw anything, unfortunately they weren't able to tell me anything. I left and had a fag on the way back to the car, I climbed in and cried, I cried for ages, I was scared, really really scared, what happens if this is something to be worried about? All my worst nightmares flashed through my brain, what happens if it's cancer? what happens if I die? who will have the kids, who will carry on loving them like I do?
I spoke to the consultant's secretary today and the results weren't back, I have to ring tomorrow. I have spent the day trying to keep busy, chatting to friends, playing with the kids, watching the kids have their music lessons and having lots of cuddles.
One thing I have realised though, is that sometimes I do need to rely on my friends to keep me going, and they have managed that this week, so many people have sent texts or fb messages and I appreciate every word, then there have been a small group of friends that have messaged everyday, or rung, they have known without me having to say much that I am stressing, that I am worried sick, they've all told me that I should try not to worry, that everything will be ok. I have taken every word in and every word has been a great comfort to me. I've also been told to be kind to myself, so I have, I've tried not to take on much, I even cancelled going into work, so I could crash at home with my babies, then crash out and eat chinese food (courtesy of the ex, he has been brill this week) while watching tv. Now I have no idea if there is anything to worry about, or if there will be any further tests or anything else, but what I do know is that with the support of the most amazing friends ever I can get through this. These friends have a lot going on in their lives but have made a point of checking in on me each day and I want to say thank you, you are all amazing.
